Interview: Oderus Urungus (GWAR)
I was recently granted once-in-a-lifetime audience with Lord and Master of the Universe, Oderus Urungus. In our time together, we spoke of murder, metal, Republicans, and the various sexual predilections of NFL Quarterbacks. This interview is most definitely NSFW.
The Milk Carton: This is Jeremy with Oderus....
Oderus Urungus: BRAAAAAAAAA!
TMC: ...Urungus of GWAR. Thanks for not killing me yet.
OU: Yeah, it’s too early, and we have new instructions from management to quit killing so many reporters. It’s not good for business, apparently.
TMC: How tolerable has Iowa been for you so far?
OU: Well, really, I haven’t seen very much of it yet. The wind blows here quite a bit, and my iPhone died! People would be like “Oderus, what do you have an iPhone for?” Well, I FUCKING RUN A MASS COMMUNICATION EMPIRE, GODDAMMIT, and I’m constantly offering my sage-like advice on any number of topics, and you might be surprised that the iPhone is the only fucking phone that can hang with Oderus, but I seem to have destroyed the latest one. IOWA HAS CLAIMED A VICTIM: ODERUS’S CELL PHONE, LIKE ANYONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK!
TMC: What about the Midwest in general? It’s bleak, hopeless, and depressing around here, and that sounds like it might be right up your alley.
OU: Yeah, we love that. The bleak, hopeless, depressed nature of the people around here, the lack of jobs or any kind of cultural activity, the large amounts of crystal methamphetamine circulating amongst the population, and, I think Slipknot’s from here as well. We do not come here but a couple times a year, but we always have great show. I don’t know the last time we were in Des Moines, but people are pretty bored out here, so when something to do comes along, they generally respond pretty strongly.
TMC: True. While on Earth, what part of America is the most brutal, and what makes it so?
OU: I don’t know, compared to the brutality of Stalingrad or Flaab Quarv 7 or the penal planets, Earth is a fucking cakewalk, but I’d have to say Cincinnati - It’s a dump.
TMC: Obviously you know we’re in an election year, and since you’ve seen all of the election cycles, how does this one stack up to the past ones?
OU: It’s the same bullshit as always, except there doesn’t seem to be much of a fight this year. The candidates are clownish, none of them have a fucking snowball’s chance in hell of beating Osama...I mean, Obama, and they shouldn’t anyway. The Republicans ran the fucking country for the past eight years before Obama came along, and what’s he done but get us all healthcare, he’s gotten you out of two bullshit wars...well, not quite out of Afghanistan, but you will be soon, and his FUCKING PRODDING OF THE COUNTRY’S MILITARY ONLY GOT OSAMA! They might say “Well, HE didn’t get him.” - Well, sorry, but Obama’s been the most active Special Ops president you’ve ever had. He’s gone in that war room every fucking day, practically dripping blood over the heads of his fucking vengeance-realized enemies. I bet they have Osama’s head in a box and he takes it out every day. I guarantee they put his head in a box.
TMC: What would a switch to a strictly conservative government do for the country, and what would it do for GWAR?
OU: Honestly, it does seem that when there’s an asshole Republican president, metal in general does much better. It’s great rebellion music, and people love to say “Fuck You” when Republicans are in the White House. I think your country’s about to have a period of extended prosperity much in the way Bill Clinton didn’t really get his shit together until his second term, or at least when people think he’s won his second term. Maybe then he can get some work done. I think the US’s situation will be getting better, MUCH TO MY ANGER, so hopefully you guys will elect a Republican and continue to fuck up your country even more.
TMC: How does the current wave of moral outrage compare to that of the era that saw you a target of the PMRC?
OU: It’s really no comparison at all anymore, nobody seems to give a shit about the artists anymore. All the rebels have been glommed, all the metal acts have been turned into fucking corporate slaves. There’s very few dangerous musical acts out there, and I’d like to think we’re one of them....maybe Watain and a few other guys. I saw that Watain’s coming to town, THAT will be a stinkfest! They actually smell worse than GWAR...a lot worse.
TMC: Who else besides Watain has been carrying the flag for metal in the past decade or so?
OU: I tell you, we’ve got some great bands with us on tour right now, all of these bands kick ass. Municipal Waste, of course, our Richmond homeboys are on a real fuckin’ roll right now, Ghoul is great, and even Legacy of Disorder, all the way from New Zealand, God knows how they ended up here. It’s a very solid bill. You know, I’m not so much up on music, as I’M SO BUSY PLAYING MY OWN to be able to keep up with these bands, especially when they’re made out of CHILDREN, a mere fifteen-twenty years old. How the hell am I supposed to pay any attention to what these people are doing? Having any interest in what they’re doing whatsoever...I’M A GODLIKE DEITY FROM OUT SPACE, GODDAMMIT.
TMC: That said, what are some of the worst trends in heavy metal or hard rock in the same time period?
OU: Mmmm....I don’t like to bag on other bands so hard because I think I understand better than most just how difficult it is. EVEN The emo kids with their funny haircuts and pants don’t bother me that much. It’s all in the fucking name of rock and roll. What DOES bother me are these bands that just suck completely, and the only reason they’re around is because they used to play with people that were a LOT more talented that’re gone now. You know, this kind of Texas Fat Dude Rock. I guess Hellyeah is the best example. My God, what a horrible fucking band.
TMC: They actually have one of those big fests that circle around that every year right around these parts. For some reason, it just draws them in droves, and it’s ridiculous.
OU: You have to understand the great majority of people out there are incredibly stupid and they will flock to such things, and it makes the rebel in me all the happier.
TMC: GWAR could rely strictly on touring to do what you wanna do, but you’ve kept on writing albums and they’ve been getting heavier and heavier. What brought about that increased heaviness?
OU: Well, I think we just got sick of reading incredibly shitty reviews for our albums. We finally decided we’ve always been very self-indulgent in the way we wrote music - we wrote about what amused us. If I happened to be fucking animals, I wrote songs about fucking animals. If I was raping babies, I wrote songs about raping babies. It’s not rocket science, it’s rock and roll!
But, I think we got a little too self-indulgent there, and we wrote several albums that could be considered by some as MEANINGLESS TWADDLE. Now, I’m not saying it is - it’s obviously pure genius, you just haven’t figured it out yet! But, we actually decided that in our infinite fucking wisdom that we would actually take a page from our critics and challenge ourselves to write music that was actually up to the same level as any other metal band out there. Of course, we did that with the ease of shedding a flake of dandruff. But, indeed, it’s been very good for us. We seized our metallic crown in its infinite opulence, and we’ll probably continue that way. I’ve always thought that GWAR should be a metal band. It just took us a little while for us to figure that out.
TMC: What can we expect from the next album and the next album cycle?
OU: Well, it’s going to be kinda rough. Everyone knows Flattus has gone back to outer space, so we’ve gotten a bunch of scumdog guest players that will be coming in on this next record. I’ll have more details for you soon, but we’ve already gotten about three songs into it. Over the course of the next year we’ll be bringing those guest players into Slave Pit Studios and getting the record together, but we’re not in any great hurry to finish it. Right now it’s about honoring the memory of Flattus and supporting the Smoot Family Fund. You know, the one thing about this entire episode that’s quite embarrassing is that GWAR have been revealed to have FEELINGS. Terribly, terribly embarrassing.
TMC: Yeah, we were all pretty shocked and saddened to hear about Flattus. On another note, you seem to have made a small media empire with appearances on Red Eye and The Dan Patrick Show. How did you get involved with those shows, and why have you spared them thus far?
OU: Well, they pretty much just call you up and ask if you want to do be on there, and it’s the same thing as far as you’re concerned - If we kill all the messengers, no one’s ever gonna get the message. instead of that, we’ve just decided to let Dan Patrick live in hopes that I’d be back on the show again one day. I DO have a new show coming up that premiere(d) called Holliston on Fearnet with Dee Snider. It’s actually like a sitcom, and we both have main supporting roles in it. I, Oderus, play the main character’s imaginary friend who lives in his closet and gives him really crummy advice. So yes, by leaps and bounds and stutter-steps and collapsing down staircases, we’re slowly claiming our media empire. I don’t know why they won’t give me my own fucking TV show. I’ll just fucking do it myself on uStream if no one else will do it.
TMC: What would be the ideal media outlet if you had your druthers and could pick whatever you wanted?
OU: The one I utilize the most is the internet, it’s growing in size, fury, and power everyday. It soon could be a platform to launch all sorts of GWAR assaults on the human race. Of course, that only works as long as the electricity is on.
TMC: With the Dan Patrick Show, you showed quite a bit that you’re an outspoken fan of the Redskins. Who do you think they’re going to take in the draft?
OU: Obviously, they’re going to take RG3 and they’ve traded away their entire future for him. It would be completelyperfect for the Redskins to end up getting this kid and have him break his neck the very first time he steps onto the field, but we’ll see what happens. They finally moved and got themselves a franchise quarterback. If they would just get rid of the AWFUL NAME, then maybe they could actually do something. Maybe then the Native Americans would lift the curse from the team which they put on them in the RFK parking lot some twenty years ago.
TMC: Assuming he’s only going to be good up until this broken neck, what’s the over/under on the amount of white chicks in the DC area that RG3 will plow?
OU: Oh, he’ll be a fuck machine, I would think. You know, he’s no Tim Tebow...He will be banging white pussy from K Street to Capitol Hill.
TMC: Do you think Tebow will succeed in New York?
OU: No. I think he’ll fail miserably. That team’s a mess....fucking...what’s his name at the Broncos...must have known something we didn’t know about Tim Tebow. I couldn’t stand to have someone like that in my fucking locker room, praying all the fucking time, going out with Taylor Swift. Yech, disgusting!
TMC: You guys did Bonnaroo a few years back. What were your experiences playing there?
OU; Ech! Stinky! Smelly! Hot! Hippies! I don’t understand how they did it, standing around in the sun for four days, whacked out of their brains on all varieties of chemicals..........we actually had a pretty good time, I suppose. We played at 4 AM, so it wasn’t SO hot.
TMC: Would you do any other big fests like that were they offered to you?
OU: Oh sure, we’d play them all, we’ve generally played every single fest in the world. GWAR plays them once, and then they promise to never have us back.
TMC: Do you think those b ig tours like Gigantour and Summer Slaughter are still worth it?
OU: Oh, no, not really because the same fucking bands are on them all the time and they never ask GWAR! How many Mayhem Festivals are you going to have and never have GWAR? Fucking pathetic.
TMC: Do you think America could pull off a fest like the big European stuff?
OU: No, Europeans have a certain docile quality and a respect for authority that Americans do not. They work much better in these festivals, there doesn’t have to be so much policing for them because they’re better behaved. Americans, on the other hand, are rabid animals. Look what happened at Woodstock, things have changed considerably from the 70s. You could have one of those events, but there’d be so many fucking police there it wouldn’t be any fun.
TMC: I have just a few odds and ends to wrap things up: Is The Cuttlefish ever flaccid, and what, if anything, could cause that?
OU: The Cuttlefish is always flaccid. I really haven’t had a hard-on in millenia. However, there’s so much muscle and bulk to it that I can always wedge it in there pretty well. I’ve always been a bit of a “Mr. Softy”, I don’t understand it. I certainly don’t have any problems blowing loads....it actually does make for a more interesting orgasm when it comes out of a completely limp penis. It can pretty much go anywhere.
TMC: Over the years, you’ve had a number of different methods of crack ingestion. What’s the preferred method these days?
OU. Eating it. Like an apple.
TMC: Finally, from one of my favorite songs of yours, “Let Us Slay” from Lust in Space, what’s the best way to core a fetus?
OU: Oh, yes....”Fetus is cored”...well, with your penis. Penis-coring-fetus-penis. Yes, fetus-penis-coring....Yes, indeed.
Thanks to Oderus Urungus for sparing my worthless life, and infinite thanks to Jon Freeman and Dave Brockie for arranging the interview. You can read more about and support the Smoot Family Fund here.